The alcoholic, the sex-addict and the pothead
Three guys are send to hell for their addictive habits. One is an alcoholic, one is a sex-addict and the third a pothead. The devil offers them a deal - if they repent and renounce from their addiction, they will be send back to earth. All three agree and so the devil locks them up with their addictive substances for 1000 years. The alcoholic with a never-ending supply of vodka, the sex-addict with hundreds of sex-starving models and the pothead with a giant joint that just won't quit. After 1000 years he opens the door to the room with the alcoholic and hears him whimper "Oh my, vodka does not quench thirst in any way! I swear I will only drink water from now on!" *Poof* - the devil sends him back to earth. Next he opens the door to the room with the sex-addict and hears him say "Holy smoke! My dick is so sore and hurting, I am done with sex for life!" *Poof* - the devil sends him back to earth as well. Then he opens the stoner's door and immediately receives a head-turning slap on the face "You forgot to give me a lighter, douchebag!"
From the Daily Smoker Website
The Bottle Versus The Joint
Down The Hill A stoner and drunk were walking down a hill. The drunk said, "Fuck This, I'm gonna pretend I'm a bottle and just roll down the hill!" So he did it the stoner thought for a minute then rolled down the hill. When he got to the bottom the drunk was in pieces on the ground So the stoner walked over to him and the drunk looks up and says "How did you make it without getting hurt?" The stoner said I pretended I was a joint!
From http: www.jokes4us.com
The Two Holes
Two pot dealers are granted probation under the condition that they save as many people from smoking pot as possible within one week by utilizing only a pen and a piece of paper. After one week they are standing in front of the judge again and are asked for their results. The first stands up and says that he has saved 100 people from their habit by drawing a big circle and a small circle on the paper. “How could that affect someone that much that he quits smoking pot?” the judge asks. “Well, I told them the big circle is the size of their brain without drugs and the small one the size of the brain when they get high.” “OK,” the judge replies, “penalty remitted.” He turns to the second and asks him for his outcome. “Well, I did pretty much the same, but I have made 200 people quit drugs by drawing a small circle first and then a big circle.” “And how come that saved more people from their habit?” “I told them the small circle is their asshole BEFORE they are sent to prison!”
Two Stoned Hippies Joke
Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.
One Hippie says "This is a really long fucking staircase!
The other Hippie says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low fucking handrail that's killing me."
The Pothead’s Ice Fishing
A stoner wants to learn about ice fishing. So he gathers all the necessary equipment and goes to the nearest frozen ice.
About 20 feet out he cuts a hole in the ice. "There's no fish there!" booms a voice.
"The stoner shrugs and moves out another 50 feet and starts to cut another hole.
"There's no fish there, either!" booms the voice. The stoner shouts, "Is that you God?"
"No," says the voice, "I own the fucking ice rink!"
The Lucky Pothead
A cop pulls over a car full of stoners. The cop goes up to the car and the driver rolls down the window and the cop said '"Congratulations! You have won two thousand dollars for wearing your seat belt!" The driver says, "Oh, I thought you pulled me over for not having a license!" Then the driver's girlfriend says, "Don't mind him, he's just stoned." Then a friend in the back seat says, "I thought you pulled us over for this pound or weed over here!" Then another friend from the back says, "I thought you pulled us for this stolen car!" Then the cop hears someone in the trunk say, "Are we over the border yet man?"
Three stoners rob a 7-11.
They run out with the money.
The cops started to chase them.
They each jumped in a potato bag to try and hide.
The cops catch up and kicked the first potato bag.
"BARK!" says the first stoner.
The cops say, "Oh it's a dog, leave it alone."
They kicked the second potato bag.
"MEOW!" says the second stoner.
The cops say oh it's a cat leave it alone.
They then kicked the third potato bag.
They kicked it again.
The stoner could not think of something to say.
The cops kicked it again.
"POTATO!" said the stoner.
The Stoner and the Genius
There’s a stoner and a super genius sitting on a bench waiting on a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, “Hey I’ll tell you what, I’ll ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don’t know the answer I have to give you fifty bucks.” The stoner says, “Alright, Man.” The genius asks the stoner, “What is the Pythagorian Theory?” The stoner replies, “I don’t know,” and hands the genius five bucks. “Okay,” the stoner says, “What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?” The genius thinks real hard and finally gives up. he hands the stoner fifty bucks and then asks, “So, what is the answer?” The stoner says, “I don’t know,” and hands the genius five bucks. –
Two Men in a Bar
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.” The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: “What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen.”
1st Man: “No it’s true let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: “You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.”
1st Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: “Well what the heck, it works, I’ll try it.” So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a ‘splat.’
Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:
“You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”